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Harley E. Never, P.H.D.
Tenor (mostly), Sometimes Bass, Alto, Contralto, Baritone, and occasionally Soprano.  (This usually occurs when I'm unable to move out of the way of a hard-charging hog.)


OCCUPATION (When Not Glory Bugling): Animal Psychologist /Curator of the Prestigious Box Springs Swine Institute, Museum, and Gift Shop at the intersection of Skillet and Bacon Holler Road.

NICKNAME: "The Pig Whisperer"

BORN: In a barn....An actual barn. Every time I leave a door open, people scream, "Hey, man, were you born in a barn!!?"....and I politely answer, "Yes, as I matter of fact, I was."

SIBLINGS?: An identical (possibly evil) twin brother named Nower. We were mysteriously separated at birth. Don't know why exactly...Uncle Roscoe mumbled something about aliens. I am told by credible eyewitnesses that someone who looks a lot like me has, on rare occasion, been spotted in the vicinity of Cavity Cave, just outside Patchy Fog, wearing a loincloth.

ASTRONOMICAL SIGN: Aries, The Ram (Someone PLEASE tell me why is there no Sign Of The Pig in the Zodiac?)

MARRIED?: No. But it ain't for lack of effort. Queenie Delphine, that heartbreaker, is a major holdout.

EDUCATED: At Box Springs University (BSU), Class of '00. I hold a PHD (Pig & Hog Doctor) and a CS (Certified Swineologist) from BSU's Veterinary Vocational School. Graduated 2nd in my class. The other guy, Skeeter Lackey, beat me out of the #1 spot by a mere 2 grade points (he finished with a 3.2).

EDUCATIONAL/MEDICAL SPECIALTIES: Porcine Psychology, Canine Counseling, Feline Frenzy, Poultry Paranoia, Equestrian Eccentricities, Male Rabbit Schizophrenia (a.k.a. Split Hares Syndrome), Female Rabbit Nymphomania, Mad Cow Anger Issues, Donkey Delirium, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in Woodpeckers, Bovine Scatology.

AUTHOR:

"Pigs Are People Too; Only Shorter and Smellier"

"Horses, The Days of Whine and Neuroses"

"Do Cats Celebrate The Dog Days of August?"  (and other Mysteries)

"Wise Asses: A History Of Intellectual Mules"

"SNAKES: Why?"

"Lift Your Head Up!: A Guide To Low Self Esteem in Ostriches"

"Get Lost, Lassie!: Assertiveness Training for Sheep who want to be Leaders"

Are you INSANE!?: Oh yeah, I forgot, you are." - Vol. I & II

FAVORITE COLOR: Porcine Pink. (I've called the Crayola people...still waiting to hear back...)

FAVORITE PASTIME: Truffle Rooting with friends (I also enjoy Shuck Shuffling and Sty Stomping)

FAVORITE SPORT: Chip Tossing

FAVORITE MOVIE: "Babe" (Tied with "Porky's")

FAVORITE GAME: Pig Mania

FAVORITE MUSICAL ACT: THE GLORY BUGLES, of course!

FAVORITE SONG: Theme from Swine Lake

FAVORITE VACATION SPOT: Bay Of Pigs Resort and Mud Bath Spa

FAVORITE RESTAURANT: Ezell's Eat-O-Rama, out on Real Old Hwy 86 - (All you can eat for $2.75)

FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR: Today.....(That's my "Hallmark card" answer...for the ladies)

FAVORITE SMELL: Boar's Head Eau de Toilette Water

FAVORITE CAR: My pistachio green 1977 AMC Pacer with the "HOGSNKISSES" vanity plate

FAVORITE DRINK: Diet Cherry Tab

FAVORITE SNACK: Jalapeno Cheesy Do-Si-Do-ritas

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Sowth Pork, or anything on BSTV, Box Springs' very own cable dish access station

FAVORITE RADIO SHOW: "The Glory Bugles Radio Hour" Every Sunday from 7-7:30 a.m., on WBOX, Box Springs' very own ultra low watt "Soul Signal for the Southland."

FAVORITE GUILTY PLEASURE: Ham sandwich

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SOME MORE INFORMATION:
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WHAT MY MIDDLE INITIAL, "E", STANDS FOR: Ever

PET PEEVE: People who insist on using the words "pet" and "peeve" in the same sentence.

BOXERS OR BRIEFS?: Listen, y'all already asked Billy Clinton this question, and looked what happened to him...

CAN I TOUCH MY NOSE WITH MY TONGUE?: No; and I don't particularly want to touch yours either.

HAIR COLOR: Is "sparse" a color?

EYES: Two. And they're Hazel. I use to call one Shirley, but it got confusing, so now they're both Hazel .

CONTACTS?: Yeah, I know a few important people.......
 

Anyway, I hope y'all all feel like you know me better now; and me and the other Glory Bugles surely do look forward to coming to an unincorporated town near you to render forth with our majestic tunes and dazzle you with our skillful kor-e-awgrfi...I mean, chory-og........uh, koh-ri.........er......dancin'!


Harley E. Never, P.H.D.